And I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

On A Day Like Today

This day, a year ago, I knew that a so-called real life was waiting for me as the result of my thesis presentation was announced: Graduated Cum Laude. That was a pretty good start, wasn’t it? But I surely didn’t know what I wanted. Though my passion had been in finance & banking, I was reluctant to start a career there, ‘cause the long contract and the commitment for not getting married while still contracted. So I basically took anything that caught my eyes. From Account Executives to Marketing Research. But not sales! Definitely not sales. A slight hope then came from H bank where I got to the final stage of recruitment process. Sadly, I failed that, too. Then finally, this current job came along with a pretty good salary, a promise that I could put my background in finance into good use, and a certain effort to study Balanced Scorecard.

Now this day, a year after my graduation, I still don’t know what I want. Do I still have that so much passion in finance? Do I still want to get a change of career to banking? Do I still want to teach at a university? Do I still want to work here? They’re like the eternal questions that can’t be answered.

But I do still want to live in Jakarta. However, when I’m forced to go back to Bandung, I’d want a career as a college professor. In order to have that, I’ve got to have a Master’s degree, which currently impossible without a scholarship. Although, either I’ll teach or not, I still must have a Master’s degree.  But it feels so hard for me to make time preparing for scholarship right now. After all, now that I know what it’s like to have my own source of income, it’s kind of hard to imagine not to.

So a year has passed, and I’m still in square one. Still figuring out what my life should be, where I should take my steps to. This past year, I feel like running on a treadmill. Your feet move, you see that counter adds up, you feel exhausted, but you’re not going anywhere. I want to stop whining, because I commit myself not to regret things. I need to figure out my life, how it has been and how it will be. I need it ASAP, so that this day, a year from now, I could be somewhere I do belong*.

*P.S: I hope it’s somewhere in US or Netherland, taking a Master’s degree in Financial Risk Management

I Like This Job? Really?

“I Like This Job” is the title of a segment on Prambors FM that has been running for, I don’t know, maybe two months or so. The segment contains someone telling what his/her job is, how to do it, how much he/she gets paid, what to like and hate about the job, and what he/she wants to become if didn’t have the current job. In the end, the person has to say this, “Hi! I’m some name, I’m some profession and I like this job.”

Then I wonder how does it feel to like a job? How is it like to have a profession you feel like you were born to do it? How is it like to have a job that defines who you are? Like, when you say you’re an actor or a teacher, it has the impression as a lifetime job, a profession. Yes, you could quit being an actor or a teacher, but most of the time people stick for as long as they live because the jobs have become their identities. It defines who you are. But when you tell people you’re, say, a Quality Improvement Analyst for X Company, it feels wrong if you do it for the rest of your life. People would think, “Why aren’t you promoted? Do you suck at it?” “Don’t you have a career path?” “Are you stuck in your comfort zone?” And when your kids asking what your profession is, you end up telling them that you’re a ‘karyawan swasta’ because it’s hard for you to explain.

So seriously, can anybody tell me how it feels like to love a job? How to make yourself to feel it? Because I’m still in I-like-to have-a-job-but-not-really-sure-whether-I-really-like-it-or-not stage.

Back in October, when I was still unemployed, I had a conversation with A’ Uli, Tita’s brother. He told me something his boss had said. This is how I remember it, “Kalau kamu kerja cuma sekedar menghidupi diri kamu, sekedar punya pekerjaan saja, itu sama saja dengan melacur.” Then I asked a question which still remains a mystery until now, “Masalahnya, mending mana A’, melacur atau menganggur?”

Yes, which one’s better, unemployed or being a prostitute? Me? I choose prostituting because at least you have a profession. Hey, life is a matter of choice! At least I take my options, not just waive them. And I’m not being hypocritical. I realize that not everybody can have their dream job. Some must deal with reality that life is about valuing what it offers, not demanding what you think is best for you. So I take prostituting because it’s the best I can do for now.

Well, talking about dream job, mine is a wee bit unrealistic. It requires a whole new series of life and a twist of luck. Because I want to be the name they call in Academy Award when they announce the winner for Best Actress. No, I wanna be a pop star in Japan, with weird outfits, weird voice, and straight face looks. Haha! No, seriously, my dream job is somewhere in California, writing sitcoms or directing movies. Or maybe if I was prettier I could as well star in it, like Tina Fey. Then when they announce the winner of Lead Actress in A Comedy Series and Writing in a Comedy Series in Emmy Award, they’d call my name. For BOTH nominations, not only one. A little greedy? Hey, when it happens, I’ll totally deserve it. Ahaha!

Takut

Ada satu quote dari dwilogi buku Samurai yang gue inget:

“Orang yang pemberani bukanlah orang yang tidak punya rasa takut. Orang yang pemberani adalah orang yang dapat menanggulangi rasa takutnya.”

Gue memulai tahun ini dengan belajar menghilangkan rasa takut nabrak. Hasilnya gue bisa nyetir.

Gue memulai bulan ini dengan menghilangkan rasa takut kecolok. Hasilnya gue berhasil pake soft lense.

Gue memulai minggu ini dengan menghilangakan rasa takut terhadap Linux. Hasilnya gue mulai belajar server Linux.

Terus… kenapa gue masih takut buat nutupin seluruh aurat gue? Takut buat mulai ke perpus dan nyari judul? Takut buat masukin aplikasi kerja magangn?