Can’t Go Back Now

You know there will be days
When you’re so tired
That you can’t take another step
The night will have no stars
And you’ll think you’ve gone as far
As you will ever get

(The Weepies – Can’t Go Back Now)

I am so very excited that this year’s going to be over soon, because so far, 2009 has been so AW-, wait for it, -FUL!! No, I’m not being ungrateful, I’m just stating the fact. I need to be true to myself by stating the fact that this year, I’ve been so indecisive, not responsive, full of mistakes and all other bunch of stupidness you can name. It’s safe to say, in my opinion, that my 2008 is better than my 2009. At least in 2008, I finally finished college and got my first job, meanwhile in 2009, after 13 months doing it, I quit the job. Then unemployed. Until now. What an accomplishment, eh?

I remember writing this post at the beginning in 2009. Sadly, none of it went as planned. But again, I did value my life and I did learn a lot of things during the year. I learn from failure after failure, loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. And I’m more than glad that I still have my sanity, not like those people who jumped in fancy malls. I think, instead of calling it “The Year of Eka”, It’s better to call 2009, “The Year of Eka’s Ego”.

On my Facebook and Twitter Profile, I wrote, “my f-ing ego is bigger than my tits”. Actually, it’s true. I had an ego, giant like a mountain and almost nobody could ease it down. I was all about competition, achievements, targets, figure, pacing and pushing myself to better that others. Then, maybe Allah decided that this year would be the turning point where I eventually have to slow down and cherish life. Start by giving a job that I have little interest on, shrouded by big company name and big figures. I faced that I wasn’t picked because of stand-out qualities, but of God-knows-what. That I couldn’t give my best to the job, I couldn’t see the importance of it. I felt idiot and useless. I knew people were talking behind my back about my role there, just by looking at their eyes everytime one of them asked me about my responsibilities. After several months of whining and trouble sleeping, torn between wanting to get out to find my real potential, and the fact that I needed and LIKED the amount of money I received on 25 every month, I gave up. I quit without a new job, a real plan, an appropriate saving.

The event that followed was the worst part of quitting the job. That is my moving back to Bandung. With little saving and no income, I couldn’t hold my kost room in Jakarta. So I swallowed my pride, packed my things, and moved in to my parents’ house. I lost the one thing that define my independence -something that I’d been longing since my junior high school years- : my kost room. I’m no longer standing on my own feet, now. And it hit me hard in the face, in the chest, in every little part of my body and my mind. 2-0 for my ego.

To be honest, these are not all. My ego bruised another time by rejection of the one place I want to work at. But this is long enough a post, adding that story will officially bore you.

To keep it short, it’s been one hell of a year. So many things, so many people had come and go. This is a year when my life changed rapidly, every moment moved so fast, I feel like dreaming. An event that took place two months ago, now feels like a lifetime away. I feel tired, I feel like I can’t move to next year. My ego, that used to keep me strong, now shrunk and almost vanished, leaving me terrified of what next year could bring.

If I could go backward, I would. If I could undo every little mistake I had done, I would. But, of course, I can’t go back. None of us can go back. Living is not about patching up your mistakes in the past. Maybe it’s more about learning. Learning to be stronger, to be smarter, to be wiser. Learning to cherish what you have. Learning to appreciate the people around you. Learning to prevent the same mistakes you’ve made. Learning yourself, what you want, what you can, what you need. Learning to let go and move on. So, yeah, I’m forcing myself to move on and start all over again. Anything I ruined this year, I’ll build again. Maybe this time would be slower, more cautious. But it’s alright, as long as I don’t stop, as long as I have my people around. In the end, I believe it’s going to be okay. Because if it’s not okay, it’s not the end, right?

I’m A Lazy And Incompetent Blogger

I shamefully admit that my last post was on November 20 and it was – YES, IT WAS – a random internet quiz result! My God! How awful is that?! Maybe the Founding Father of Indonesian Blogs is right, I should be banned from using the internet (if you know what I mean *rolling eyes*).

While since the last time I posted here, I’ve been through resignation, rejection from my dream job, reluctantly moving from my “nest” back to my parents’ house, a “conversation” with my boyfriend’s sister, one dead cat, one broken water heater, two important job tests, nights of nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts…. Well, not exactly trying to jump in fancy malls, just some low-profile attempts like drinking baygon, but SERIOUSLY! If I have free time to think about suicide attempts, why not write a good post out of it instead?

This is my fifth year of blogging but still my commitment is questionable. Yes, I know, Founding Father of Indonesian Blogs, I should be ashamed of myself (if you know what I mean *rolling eyes*).

OK, I’mma stop typing that. I mean typing Founding Father of Indonesian Blogs (if you know what I mean *rolling eyes*). Yes, yes! I stop now!

Back to where we left off, if it’s comparable, I’m in the fourth year of my romantic relationship and still going nowhere. Maybe I have a problem with long-term commitment? Naaaah, I’m just lazy…. And those two are nowhere near comparable! I may suck at blogging, but I am one helluva passionate lover… right, dear? (see my shuddering boyfriend in the corner there? *evilish grin*)

Bah! I’m too occupied to write a post!

I’ll catch up with you on later posts, ‘kay? Well, that if you have ANY interest in my personal life. If you don’t, better find other blogs to read, maybe about some tips to get more people reading your blog? I’m sure that’d be a lot more interesting.

While we’re at it, I read a post about tips on writing a blog – it’s so unimportant, I don’t think providing you the link would be necessary. It says craps like “reaching and involving your audiences”, “writing something that change your audiences’ view”, blablabla…. I’m telling you now, I don’t do that. I put a sign “Read At Your Own Risk” under my blog name and tags like “Total Crap Alert” for warnings, and I really do mean it.

No offense, I’m not a journalist. I don’t write to gain audience. Not a writer either, so I don’t write to change lives. I write because I want to, and in come cases, because I need to. So, if you find my blog is boring, or not one of a kind, or not inspiring, or not even decent, please please please just close it and find other blogs, ‘kay? There are some other million blogs, so no need to point and scrutinize. And yes, I will still write in English. Not because I’m not proud of my mother tounge, it’s simply because I need to practice.

Now, I start feeling like an old hag lecturing some kids for playing with her cats. I should stop. Just like I said, I’ll catch you up with me later, because now is already 12:30 AM and I’m terribly drowsy….

Ewwww….

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I’m Getting Good

I lost my phone. Again. For the second time in two months.
I’m quitting my job.
I’m about to turn down an opportunity that should’ve come 4 months ago. An opportunity I’m sure will boost my career in this soon-to-be-my-ex-employer company.
The deadlines for Total Scholarship & Erasmus Mundus are coming but I haven’t prepared a single thing.
I have no money for taking TOEFL iBT.

I’m screwed.
My life is screwed up.
Now I’m getting good at screwing things up.
I should put that on my CV.

The Best Is Yet To Come

October is coming up and it sure will be my happiest month of every year!

The recently passed Ramadhan was a better one, compared to previous year. It might not be the Prophet’s Ramadhan, but I made some progress that I’m happy & proud of. I really do wish Allah give me the opportunity to experience another Ramadhan next year. (Yes, people! I myself typed the last sentence! You see how much this Ramadhan changed me? Bwahahahaha….)

And since Idul Fitri is still all around, I’d like to say:

Happy Eid Mubarak. Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum.

Also, I humbly ask your forgiveness for the rudeness, lousiness and lack of intellectuality in my writings, for my made-up words, unessential contents, my messy English, and most of all, for making this blog.

Anyone want to buy me the gorgeous cupcakes from Mom’s Kitchen? It’s never too late, you know….

Then, after 11 months of dwelling in the dark world of prostitution, I came clean by filing my resignation. No, I have nobody, not a single company, ready to hijack me. It’s purely for personal reasons, regarding my over-anxiety for the future and tiredness for almost-all-year being emos about my job.

This is not an overnight decision, although some might say some of the best decisions are made without thinking. Well, this one is definitely NOT! You don’t have to know everything I’ve been through, but BELLLIIIEEEVE ME, it IS one hard decision, particularly for me. Even so, I have my entire family & friends on my back and thank God for that. Talking about friends, I recently found some kind of “circle of trust” between my friends in the office, it makes me feel a bit sad to leave my current office. I keep thinking, “Why not from 6 months ago?” But, it’s still something to cherish, not to regret. And I do hope you guys (yes, I’m talking to you!) can find your own happiness in this seem-like-endless future-finding thing.

Well, oh, well. The journey’s not over. This is indeed a new beginning and I gotta get ready! I may think I have gone some serious life, but the cat says:

you think you’ve flown before, but you ain’t left the ground…

Bad things are inevitable, since life sucks as it usually does, but I’m sure that the best is yet to come. Can’t wait!

P.S.

I’ve thought about this a lot. For those of you who would want to buy me presents for my birthday, books will be best. But, if you pick from this list, you’re my bestest!

Api Sejarah by Ahmad Mansur Suryanegara
Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol”
Pramoedya Ananta Toer’s “Tetralogi Pulau Buru”, or anything except “Gadis Pantai” & “Larasati”
any books by Haruki Murakami and Chuck Palahniuk (not in Bahasa, please..)