Can’t Go Back Now
You know there will be days
When you’re so tired
That you can’t take another step
The night will have no stars
And you’ll think you’ve gone as far
As you will ever get(The Weepies – Can’t Go Back Now)
I am so very excited that this year’s going to be over soon, because so far, 2009 has been so AW-, wait for it, -FUL!! No, I’m not being ungrateful, I’m just stating the fact. I need to be true to myself by stating the fact that this year, I’ve been so indecisive, not responsive, full of mistakes and all other bunch of stupidness you can name. It’s safe to say, in my opinion, that my 2008 is better than my 2009. At least in 2008, I finally finished college and got my first job, meanwhile in 2009, after 13 months doing it, I quit the job. Then unemployed. Until now. What an accomplishment, eh?
I remember writing this post at the beginning in 2009. Sadly, none of it went as planned. But again, I did value my life and I did learn a lot of things during the year. I learn from failure after failure, loss after loss, disappointment after disappointment. And I’m more than glad that I still have my sanity, not like those people who jumped in fancy malls. I think, instead of calling it “The Year of Eka”, It’s better to call 2009, “The Year of Eka’s Ego”.
On my Facebook and Twitter Profile, I wrote, “my f-ing ego is bigger than my tits”. Actually, it’s true. I had an ego, giant like a mountain and almost nobody could ease it down. I was all about competition, achievements, targets, figure, pacing and pushing myself to better that others. Then, maybe Allah decided that this year would be the turning point where I eventually have to slow down and cherish life. Start by giving a job that I have little interest on, shrouded by big company name and big figures. I faced that I wasn’t picked because of stand-out qualities, but of God-knows-what. That I couldn’t give my best to the job, I couldn’t see the importance of it. I felt idiot and useless. I knew people were talking behind my back about my role there, just by looking at their eyes everytime one of them asked me about my responsibilities. After several months of whining and trouble sleeping, torn between wanting to get out to find my real potential, and the fact that I needed and LIKED the amount of money I received on 25 every month, I gave up. I quit without a new job, a real plan, an appropriate saving.
The event that followed was the worst part of quitting the job. That is my moving back to Bandung. With little saving and no income, I couldn’t hold my kost room in Jakarta. So I swallowed my pride, packed my things, and moved in to my parents’ house. I lost the one thing that define my independence -something that I’d been longing since my junior high school years- : my kost room. I’m no longer standing on my own feet, now. And it hit me hard in the face, in the chest, in every little part of my body and my mind. 2-0 for my ego.
To be honest, these are not all. My ego bruised another time by rejection of the one place I want to work at. But this is long enough a post, adding that story will officially bore you.
To keep it short, it’s been one hell of a year. So many things, so many people had come and go. This is a year when my life changed rapidly, every moment moved so fast, I feel like dreaming. An event that took place two months ago, now feels like a lifetime away. I feel tired, I feel like I can’t move to next year. My ego, that used to keep me strong, now shrunk and almost vanished, leaving me terrified of what next year could bring.
If I could go backward, I would. If I could undo every little mistake I had done, I would. But, of course, I can’t go back. None of us can go back. Living is not about patching up your mistakes in the past. Maybe it’s more about learning. Learning to be stronger, to be smarter, to be wiser. Learning to cherish what you have. Learning to appreciate the people around you. Learning to prevent the same mistakes you’ve made. Learning yourself, what you want, what you can, what you need. Learning to let go and move on. So, yeah, I’m forcing myself to move on and start all over again. Anything I ruined this year, I’ll build again. Maybe this time would be slower, more cautious. But it’s alright, as long as I don’t stop, as long as I have my people around. In the end, I believe it’s going to be okay. Because if it’s not okay, it’s not the end, right?
