Maka pada suatu pagi hari ia ingin sekali menangis sambil berjalan tunduk sepanjang lorong itu. Ia ingin pagi itu hujan turun rintik-rintik dan lorong sepi agar ia bisa berjalan sendiri saja sambil menangis dan tak ada orang bertanya kenapa.
Ia tidak ingin menjerit-jerit berteriak-teriak mengamuk memecahkan cermin membakar tempat tidur. Ia hanya ingin menangis lirih saja sambil berjalan sendiri dalam hujan rintik-rintik di lorong sepi pada suatu pagi.
(Sapardi Djoko Damono, 1973)
I lost my phone. Again. For the second time in two months.
I’m quitting my job.
I’m about to turn down an opportunity that should’ve come 4 months ago. An opportunity I’m sure will boost my career in this soon-to-be-my-ex-employer company.
The deadlines for Total Scholarship & Erasmus Mundus are coming but I haven’t prepared a single thing.
I have no money for taking TOEFL iBT.
I’m screwed.
My life is screwed up.
Now I’m getting good at screwing things up.
I should put that on my CV.
October is coming up and it sure will be my happiest month of every year!
The recently passed Ramadhan was a better one, compared to previous year. It might not be the Prophet’s Ramadhan, but I made some progress that I’m happy & proud of. I really do wish Allah give me the opportunity to experience another Ramadhan next year. (Yes, people! I myself typed the last sentence! You see how much this Ramadhan changed me? Bwahahahaha….)
And since Idul Fitri is still all around, I’d like to say:
Happy Eid Mubarak. Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum.
Also, I humbly ask your forgiveness for the rudeness, lousiness and lack of intellectuality in my writings, for my made-up words, unessential contents, my messy English, and most of all, for making this blog.
Anyone want to buy me the gorgeous cupcakes from Mom’s Kitchen? It’s never too late, you know….
Then, after 11 months of dwelling in the dark world of prostitution, I came clean by filing my resignation. No, I have nobody, not a single company, ready to hijack me. It’s purely for personal reasons, regarding my over-anxiety for the future and tiredness for almost-all-year being emos about my job.
This is not an overnight decision, although some might say some of the best decisions are made without thinking. Well, this one is definitely NOT! You don’t have to know everything I’ve been through, but BELLLIIIEEEVE ME, it IS one hard decision, particularly for me. Even so, I have my entire family & friends on my back and thank God for that. Talking about friends, I recently found some kind of “circle of trust” between my friends in the office, it makes me feel a bit sad to leave my current office. I keep thinking, “Why not from 6 months ago?” But, it’s still something to cherish, not to regret. And I do hope you guys (yes, I’m talking to you!) can find your own happiness in this seem-like-endless future-finding thing.
Well, oh, well. The journey’s not over. This is indeed a new beginning and I gotta get ready! I may think I have gone some serious life, but the cat says:
you think you’ve flown before, but you ain’t left the ground…
Bad things are inevitable, since life sucks as it usually does, but I’m sure that the best is yet to come. Can’t wait!
P.S.
I’ve thought about this a lot. For those of you who would want to buy me presents for my birthday, books will be best. But, if you pick from this list, you’re my bestest! 
Api Sejarah by Ahmad Mansur Suryanegara
Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol”
Pramoedya Ananta Toer’s “Tetralogi Pulau Buru”, or anything except “Gadis Pantai” & “Larasati”
any books by Haruki Murakami and Chuck Palahniuk (not in Bahasa, please..)
Let’s just move on and forget about it.
Idul Fitri 1993
Idul Fitri 2001
Idul Fitri 2006
Idul Fitri 2007
Idul fitri 2008
This day, a year ago, I knew that a so-called real life was waiting for me as the result of my thesis presentation was announced: Graduated Cum Laude. That was a pretty good start, wasn’t it? But I surely didn’t know what I wanted. Though my passion had been in finance & banking, I was reluctant to start a career there, ‘cause the long contract and the commitment for not getting married while still contracted. So I basically took anything that caught my eyes. From Account Executives to Marketing Research. But not sales! Definitely not sales. A slight hope then came from H bank where I got to the final stage of recruitment process. Sadly, I failed that, too. Then finally, this current job came along with a pretty good salary, a promise that I could put my background in finance into good use, and a certain effort to study Balanced Scorecard.
Now this day, a year after my graduation, I still don’t know what I want. Do I still have that so much passion in finance? Do I still want to get a change of career to banking? Do I still want to teach at a university? Do I still want to work here? They’re like the eternal questions that can’t be answered.
But I do still want to live in Jakarta. However, when I’m forced to go back to Bandung, I’d want a career as a college professor. In order to have that, I’ve got to have a Master’s degree, which currently impossible without a scholarship. Although, either I’ll teach or not, I still must have a Master’s degree. But it feels so hard for me to make time preparing for scholarship right now. After all, now that I know what it’s like to have my own source of income, it’s kind of hard to imagine not to.
So a year has passed, and I’m still in square one. Still figuring out what my life should be, where I should take my steps to. This past year, I feel like running on a treadmill. Your feet move, you see that counter adds up, you feel exhausted, but you’re not going anywhere. I want to stop whining, because I commit myself not to regret things. I need to figure out my life, how it has been and how it will be. I need it ASAP, so that this day, a year from now, I could be somewhere I do belong*.
*P.S: I hope it’s somewhere in US or Netherland, taking a Master’s degree in Financial Risk Management 
i want you to leave something here